Man Gets Pulled Over Going 80 MPH

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:

“Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once!?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

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As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I noticed that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking, officer.”

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Woman Catches Her Husband Cheating. Then He Says This.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”

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Woman Writes Best Letter Ever To Company For Their Feminine Products. This Is Amazing.

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products; it was PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

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Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you kidding me?! What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

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For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always…

Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX

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SURPRISINGLY, His CHEATING Wife Has The Last Laugh

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings.

Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful…. Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

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Fifteen Kids Were Asked About Their Thoughts On Marriage. Kid #8 Is Going Somewhere

When a person is young, they tend to have a unique perspective on life. In many cases, they may actually show wisdom that is beyond their years, not because they have the experience, but because they can see things that we may not be able to see. As adults, we are often too close to the situation to see it for what it really is. In other words, we can’t see the forest through the trees.

The following 15 quite from children are going to open your eyes and make you take a fresh look at marriage again. Don’t let the fact that it is young children doing the talking fool you. The wisdom is sound and if you only follow what they have to say, you can break through any barrier you may be facing. They can really help you in life, and despite their innocence, they obviously know what they are talking about.

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Sometimes we may allow our pride to get in the way of having the best life we can possibly have. That pride stops us from listening to others, choosing to take our own advice instead. Take a lesson from these youngsters, be humble and listen to what they have to say. It is more than insightful, it is refreshingly funny.

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Woman Cheats On Her Husband With The Mailman. This Is Priceless.

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Screw him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

mailman ddfo

Couple Wake Up To A Drunk Guy Knocking On Their Door At 3am. Then This Happens.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows and he hears a stirring from his wife.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Wife Sets Up Test To See If Her Husband Is Cheating, But She Didn’t Expect This.

The other day, a girl wanted to know how her hubby would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him any more and after writing, she put the letter on the table in the bedroom before hiding under the bed…

When her hubby came back home, he saw the letter and read it, then he also wrote something on it and began to sing and dance changing his clothes. He got his phone, dialled someone then said: “Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes then will join you, as for the other fool it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around with her and has left. I was really wrong to have married her, I wish I had known you earlier. See you soon honey!” Then her hubby walked out of the room…

In tears and very upset, she got up from under the bed and decided to go and read what her hubby wrote on the letter. When she got the letter, it said: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going to buy bread”.

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The Best Diagnosis Ever. Who Said Doctors Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. James, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant- about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”

Darla replies, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Husband Finds Horrifying Email From His Wife. This Is Gold.

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

truckonferrari

P.S . Your girlfriend called for you.

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Man Is Shocked When His Wife Tries To Compare Him With A Bull. But His Reply Is Gold.

My wife and I went to the State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘ THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ‘

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’ We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW!! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.’ We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow…’

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery…

Woman Gives Best Reply Ever To Husband’s Wish Of Remarrying. This Is Gold.

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hottie, a 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

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Mother Finds A New Technique To Discipline Her Child. Her Explanation Is Gold.

Most of America’s populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of ‘those moments.’

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

screaming kid

Marine Finds Out His Girlfriend Has Been Cheating

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan received a “Dear John” Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us.

I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky.

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

–Ricky.

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Little Boy Sees His Daddy Go Off Into The Woods With Another Woman. This Is Gold.

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

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This Male Chauvinist Wanted To Impress His Wife. What He Does Is Priceless.

Mary was married to a male chauvinist…

They both worked full-time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman’s work!

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. “How did it work out?” they asked.

“Well, is was a great dinner, Mary said. “Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.” I really enjoyed my evening.

“But what about afterward?” her friends wanted to know.

“It didn’t work out,” Mary said. “Charley was too tired.”

He Thought His Wife Was In Danger, But Then He Saw This.

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the garden. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel on. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day. ..?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

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Husband Attempts To Make Fun Of Wife’s Weight. But Her Retort Is Genius.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker…’It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’